i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
