Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
