Got a toothbrush?
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
