I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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