My underwear smells like fireworks.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
