I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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