So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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