you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
