im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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