I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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