I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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