Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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