I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
