I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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