The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
