Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
