My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
