i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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