We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
