i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
