I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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