one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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