Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
