cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
