He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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