My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
