After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
