A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
