They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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