Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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