that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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