everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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