I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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