really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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