the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
