I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
