if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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