When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
