Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
