Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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