community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
