Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
