you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
