I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
