I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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