I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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