I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
