i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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