Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've blown a few things in my day
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
