dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Houston, we have a blender
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
