I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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