Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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