so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
